October 7, 2013

Week in LA: Night 1

I’m in LA for a week helping my dad clean up my grandmothers house after it was tented for termites. So I thought, I’m gonna try and do some sets. Tonight I had time for one, so I checked out thecomedybureau.com. They had a long list, so I asked my friend Sammy 1k Obeid which ones I should do. He said Liquid Zoo (BTW I’m writing this on his old laptop). I found the place fine, but when I got there I learned two things: one they make you buy something to perform, two they charge $3 for water, oh yeah and three they charge an extra $2 for any credit/debit transaction. So I had to pay $5 for water. Not only that, but while the bartender did seem friendly, she was pretty shady too. I ordered water and then she put words in mouth (“a bottled water? sure”) and just walked away before I could say tap water. Then she came back, told me it was $3, and added that it would be an extra $2 BEFORE HER TIP for using the card. I was thinking what tip. She had turned around and went off to charge me before I had a chance to respond. I got her attention and asked if I could just get tap water. She said it would still be $3 plus the $2. Fine, I was already there. But not tip, not when you say the word tip before I do.

Look, I like to support a room, I just don’t like being forced to do it. I don’t even mind spending $5 to support if I should choose to. But I don’t want to pay $3 for a water, and have to pay $2 to use a card. If they wouldn’t have had those stupid rules, it would have increased the chances of me spending more like $10 even to get a glass of wine or something.

I had gotten there a little bit later than I should have so I had to wait a while. I had to sit through nothing I thought was in the least funny. It seemed like they were just talking about stuff that happened during their day. Just boring stuff. Boring stuff isn’t funny. Finally I got up. I asked what they wanted to do. It took a while to get a response. They said whatever I wanted to do. I told them I wanted to find out what they wanted to do. This one couple sat down and started asking me questions about my shirt. I told them about it. Then they wanted to know what I thought of Halloween. I told them how for a few years in a row now, my friend and I talked about getting gorilla costumes but still haven’t done it.

Then finally the host said he wanted to do jokes. I said “you want to tell jokes?” And he said “no I want you to.” I said, “but what do¬†you want to do?” Then the couple caught on and said they wanted to hear me tell jokes. I told two jokes and then got the fuck out of there. No plan to return. And no hard feelings, they mostly seemed like nice folks. Just not for me.