October 15, 2016

Been Down

I did an open mic tonight called Vince’s. They make it a competition, and if you win you get your name written on a trophy with a Sharpie. I could care less about that, so I took advantage of the fact that people were avoiding going first, and signed up first even though ten people had already signed up. Got up there. Asked what they wanted to do. This one guy said laugh, so I was about to tell a joke, when another guy said he wanted to go to Canada. So I said, which one is it, Canada, or laugh. Then they said both; they wanted to laugh while going to Canada. So I said we need a bus. Does anyone have a bus? And this third guy said he did. So I was like, alright, lets all go get on the bus. Nothing happened they just sat there, and a couple people were like, just do your thing man. I said, well I’ll start doing it once we’re on the bus. Still they just sat there, and then they said the bus was coming later, and they just wanted to laugh. So, I told a couple of jokes, and some people laughed, but some other people started heckling and saying mean things, so I was just like, I don’t feel like dealing with this shit right now, and got off and went home.

Last night was a lot better. I went to On The Y, which has slowly evolved into my favorite open mic. I like the Starlight one a lot too though. Anyway, they know me there, so they know better than to say stupid stuff like “Go to Canada!” and they just said they wanted to laugh. I told a bunch of jokes and it went really well, so I was happy about that.

The night before that I produced this special show that I got invited to produce called “Comedy Circus Varietainment.” I made up the word Varietainment just for the show. I thought it sounded funny, just based off the literal sounds. It sounds kind of stupid too, so I like that. I put little segments of other shows I’d done on there, like Apple Fight, and Greek Chorus Stand-up Orgy, and then I did a dance routine, had some other comics perform sets, and had two clowns do weird acts. I loved pretty much the whole show, but I had neglected to select judges for Apple Fight and had to rely on the audience to pull a couple of judges from. It didn’t work out well, in fact it was probably one of the worst Apple Fights ever. The performers performed well despite that, but somehow there was a miscommunication, and the judges thought they were competing against each other, and did everything they could to avoid dropping apples. They seemed to think that whichever judge dropped the fewest apples won, instead of whichever comedian caused them to drop the apples the most times. It’s always tough to get judges that really understand it, which is hard for me to understand because it seems so simple. All you do is hold an apple in your mouth, hold a basket in your hands, wipe your mouth when you drool, drop the apple if you laugh and can’t hold the apple anymore, and then pick the apple up and put it back in your mouth. That’s it! It seems like some people get that right away, others pick it up eventually, and some people just never get it no matter how many ways you explain it. And then it’s tough because I feel like I’d love to have a list of people who have been judges in the past, and were really good, that I could call on when I need judges, but, it’s not the most glamorous job in the world, so people don’t usually like doing it more than once or twice, even if they were really good at it. There’s probably all kinds of ways that I could change the format of the show and make it better, but somehow I end up just liking it the way it is, even if it falls flat sometimes.

Beyond that, I’ve been feeling down most of the week. Not sure what’s up. Maybe it’s because I turned 34. Life just seems dull. I haven’t laughed very hard in a while. One of my cats picked up my wallet and ran off with it. In times past, that would have made me laugh really hard. I just kind of chuckled. Maybe I need to go on a date or something, but I haven’t really wanted to in a while. I went on some a while ago, and they were nice, and it’s always fun to hear people’s stories, but for some reason I just wasn’t excited at all and felt like I’d rather put my energy into other things, like working on my house, or playing with my pets.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not even depressed about it really, I just feel kind of bored and empty, but not depressed, if that makes sense.

Friendships are hard too lately. Sometimes it’s really nice to have friends and lots of fun. Other times it’s really hard, and you just want to dump them all and go away and live in a cave in the wild, living off of only raw fish and berries, and then spending the days hiding and watching plants grow.

But maybe it’s just the world. Everything seems like it’s way off balance, with the election, economies, the climate, police, equality. It’s tense right now. I’m feeling it.

I’ve found myself to be wrong and in ignorance of a lot of social issues too. I think it’s probably normal for a white, middle-class male to go through that. Change is hard, especially when you’re just being bombarded with things that people expect you to understand, that you never thought of before. You spend your whole life thinking about things one way and learning to trust that, and then suddenly come face to face with this alternate view that you don’t trust, but everyone is telling you that you should trust it over your original belief. That’s a really, really difficult thing to do. I know it pales in difficulty compared to what many other people, whom haven’t had the same advantages I’ve had, go through, but that still doesn’t make it easy. In the end, I find myself being happier once I come to terms, but then there’s always a new lesson around the corner, just when I think I’ve made so much progress.

Astrology always fascinates me. I never know whether or not it’s real, but I still find it fascinating. I’ll read up on all my birth-time planet positions and stuff and what they’re supposed to mean, and one thing I’ve been reflecting on is that although I’m usually pretty even tempered, to the point that people suspect me of being constantly high, I can on occasion completely loose it and throw a tantrum when things haven’t been going well and a tipping point gets reached. My chart describes just that! And I don’t know if thats good for me to read, because tantrums aren’t really something that people regard highly as a method of expressing anger, and then if I read that it may be reinforcing the idea that I just am that way, instead of trying to do better. I don’t know. Like, after I go through one, I look back and part of me is embarrassed, but another part thinks it’s funny, maybe even kind of cute. It’s just part of little Stephen’s personality. So, I don’t hate myself for it, at least not in the long run.